Friday, January 25, 2013


And when he told me to turn the music off, that it was making him think too much, I thought to myself that I just wanted him to sink down under the blanket with me, and that deep down I feel we all have some terrible suffereing that needs to be comforted. I mean, its painful to be alive, right? But what the hell does that say about me?


Monday, October 8, 2012

Beauty is As Beauty Does

Whats he like? I don't know. Is he kind? Sometimes. Does he have a good job, a college education? No. Is he smart? Not really. In some ways, I guess. Is he attractive? Yes, very. Is that all? I guess... No, not really... I don't know. Why are you with him?

Because he is beautiful. And fragile, yet strong. He is special, he is light, he is simplicity. And he is there for me, always. And he loves me... And I love him. Forget about the age difference, the class difference, and hell, forget about the race difference too, that bothers you all too even thought you'd hate yourselves if you had to admit it...

And God gave him to me. He is mine, and I am his. Forever? Time will tell...

Does he understand me? Yes. Better than most people. Do I understand him? Most of the time. Is he good for me? I think so. Am I good for him? Absolutely.

But do you want to know the biggest reason?

He gets me out of my head. He makes me forget. He makes me happy, makes me feel OK, like a bird whose broken wing was mended, I forgot about this beautiful but horribly depressing blog I keep. Its OK to be OK.

Is there beauty in pain? Yes, and I've always written to that. But you know where ELSE there is beauty? In Happiness, in love, in joy, in... Beauty.

And that's what i write to today.

Try yourself. Have a beautiful day.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Blip on the radar

You were my blip on the radar, radar-\
Just short of passing, shooting star.

You were my timing to get it right-\
You were my landing, in cold fright, its alright..

I'll never see you again I am sure of that now.
And it getting easier scares me somehow
Like I want to stay the same, or lose my brain
Like a firefly in a masquito net
Like a trip on a wire.
Like a cage.
Like life.

Friday, July 29, 2011


I'm in Jamaica, yet Japan still calls me. It's strange to be called by a place you have never been; might not ever be. In and out of my mind, a constant stream of thoughts of Japan. Why? And no, I don't think that's why.

The sound of the TV from the other room is a constant reminder of human connection. My family is watching that 70's show. I am using wireless internet. I am tan. I am in Jamaica.

Jamaica is beautiful. The mountains are green; houses protrude from the sides; make amazing views on verandas. The clouds wisp in and out, cause fog in your sight, the rain falls, slow drops at first, then a tropical rain. The people walk down the street slowly. If you greet them, they usually respond warmly. Sometimes they just stare.

Sometimes I don't even know how I got here. My life feels unreal, yet my time here has just begun. I am thankful that I enjoy my own company.

It is wonderful to begin to know a place. A place other than my home. My old home. Jamaica, I am home.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Time is strange. It passes differently for all of us. Yet, it still passes. At the same rate.

I don't know why I do the things I do. Sometimes I do, but usually I end up mystifying myself... Until time passes, and then I see the why.

Why? This is why it is important for us to trust ourselves. For only we really have our best interests at heart. Not because others are untrue, but because no one else knows ourselves like we do.

I sit here watching the minutes tick by, asking God for sleep. Yet it is here, if I want it. It is me that keeps me up at night; my own restless mind.

For at night come the racing thoughts. The ones I refuse to not listen to; not think. Others take the easy way out. The smarter way really...

They watch tv until they pass out, complacent with its' hum. Not me. That's cheating. But not the sleeping pills I take that hardly ever work anymore. Not to me. I lay here, or sit here, and listen to the silence, my thoughts weaving in and out of it like water. I do not disturb myself; disturb myself.

It's all part of my ever present flux. Flux in time, flux in space. For where else are we ever really? Than existing inside of our own minds?

Friday, April 15, 2011

When Enough is Enough.

Living dichotomy, short of lobotomy, two in one is not always more fun-
Studying psychology, I'll leave an anthology, under the same sun, life's just begun.

And I don't know how he does it, how he manages to be just exactly what I need-
I asked for some space, I asked for the place, and he came to meet me just short of God speed..

And I wish it weren't this way with him right now. He is like a prism; the mutli-facets almost even line up with mine...

And if I were to stay here, I'd almost more certainly be leaving him behind. 

But I accept it, and honor it. My love.

I am scared to go. On with him, and out of the country... But I am happy. He makes me happy. And right about now... That's just exactly enough.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

15 days

Restless as hell.
Holding cell.

Pay no mind
to your own kind.

Believe in nothing.
Faith is everything.
Seems like I'm setting myself up again...

To fall, or for a fall. Can't tell anything yet. Losing it. Can't sleep. Can't be productive. Can't even watch TV.

And for what? For a slap in the face? Positive or negative it's still just stress.. And how can I put it all on your shoulders? 

What do you think about? Who are you? Do I even want to know?

2 weeks left. My stomach hurts. It's going to be a long 15 days.