Blip on the radar

You were my blip on the radar, radar-\
Just short of passing, shooting star.

You were my timing to get it right-\
You were my landing, in cold fright, its alright..

I'll never see you again I am sure of that now.
And it getting easier scares me somehow
Like I want to stay the same, or lose my brain
Like a firefly in a masquito net
Like a trip on a wire.
Like a cage.
Like life.
Like-

Jamaica.

I'm in Jamaica, yet Japan still calls me. It's strange to be called by a place you have never been; might not ever be. In and out of my mind, a constant stream of thoughts of Japan. Why? And no, I don't think that's why.


The sound of the TV from the other room is a constant reminder of human connection. My family is watching that 70's show. I am using wireless internet. I am tan. I am in Jamaica.


Jamaica is beautiful. The mountains are green; houses protrude from the sides; make amazing views on verandas. The clouds wisp in and out, cause fog in your sight, the rain falls, slow drops at first, then a tropical rain. The people walk down the street slowly. If you greet them, they usually respond warmly. Sometimes they just stare.

Sometimes I don't even know how I got here. My life feels unreal, yet my time here has just begun. I am thankful that I enjoy my own company.

It is wonderful to begin to know a place. A place other than my home. My old home. Jamaica, I am home.

Time

Time is strange. It passes differently for all of us. Yet, it still passes. At the same rate.

I don't know why I do the things I do. Sometimes I do, but usually I end up mystifying myself... Until time passes, and then I see the why.

Why? This is why it is important for us to trust ourselves. For only we really have our best interests at heart. Not because others are untrue, but because no one else knows ourselves like we do.


I sit here watching the minutes tick by, asking God for sleep. Yet it is here, if I want it. It is me that keeps me up at night; my own restless mind.

For at night come the racing thoughts. The ones I refuse to not listen to; not think. Others take the easy way out. The smarter way really...

They watch tv until they pass out, complacent with its' hum. Not me. That's cheating. But not the sleeping pills I take that hardly ever work anymore. Not to me. I lay here, or sit here, and listen to the silence, my thoughts weaving in and out of it like water. I do not disturb myself; disturb myself.

It's all part of my ever present flux. Flux in time, flux in space. For where else are we ever really? Than existing inside of our own minds?

When Enough is Enough.

Living dichotomy, short of lobotomy, two in one is not always more fun-
Studying psychology, I'll leave an anthology, under the same sun, life's just begun.

And I don't know how he does it, how he manages to be just exactly what I need-
I asked for some space, I asked for the place, and he came to meet me just short of God speed..





And I wish it weren't this way with him right now. He is like a prism; the mutli-facets almost even line up with mine...

And if I were to stay here, I'd almost more certainly be leaving him behind. 


But I accept it, and honor it. My love.




I am scared to go. On with him, and out of the country... But I am happy. He makes me happy. And right about now... That's just exactly enough.

15 days

Restless as hell.
Holding cell.

Pay no mind
to your own kind.

Believe in nothing.
Faith is everything.
Seems like I'm setting myself up again...

To fall, or for a fall. Can't tell anything yet. Losing it. Can't sleep. Can't be productive. Can't even watch TV.

And for what? For a slap in the face? Positive or negative it's still just stress.. And how can I put it all on your shoulders? 

What do you think about? Who are you? Do I even want to know?

2 weeks left. My stomach hurts. It's going to be a long 15 days.

Life

I get reality, and unreality. But what is it that lies between? That's where I now reside. Its a hazy place. Its a beautiful place too. Trouble is, reality and unreality have not forgot about you. And both are still pulling at you. You can't ever hide.

I could wait for the other shoe to drop. But it maybe already has. Or did. Or never did. I won't ever know the difference. I have to hold it down. I told him I could. 

Love.

And even in his pain he found a way to give.

I will always remember him for giving to me, and showing me so much kindness. He needed me, and I helped him with his wounds. In return, he gave to me, and showered me with his love. Can love really ever be cheap?

No. Love is something to be cherished, and appreciated. If someone gives you love, please don't ever take it lightly. Don't ever be me. Take it, and reciprocate it, and always understand what it is. Do not assume it is ever more or any less that what it is.

The world is vast. Do not limit yourself. Love may come from and where you least expect it. It may come from convoluted reasons; it may seem unwarranted. But still, love it is.

"Love is like an airplane", to quote Sean Lennon. "You jump and then you pray. The lucky ones remain. In the clouds for days. If this is just a dream, which of us is dreaming, and who will wake up screaming". He taught me how to love again.

And now, I follow his lead. And its scary, and it may take me to terrifying places. But I trust him, even though he'd hate me saying that. Do I believe him? No, but I believe IN him. And isn't that whats more important, what really matters?

"I feel this way", and he says "I know." Its not out of pretention, its actually out of understanding. He knows what it is to love. And he's also teaching me.